Post by Niacra on Feb 2, 2006 14:55:31 GMT -5
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1. Chuck Norris’s tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
3. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
4. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalised, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. the devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
5. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
6. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all 3 bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
7. It takes a big man to cry, but it takes Chuck Norris to laugh at him.
8. Chuck Norris is what's eating Gilbert Grape.
9. To prove it isn't that big a deal to beat cancer, Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer, only to rid them from his body by flexing his muscles for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
10. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
11. Chuck Norris throws stones in glass houses.
12. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax simply by pointing at her and saying "booya".
13. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
14. There are no disabled people, only people who have angered Chuck Norris.
15. Chuck Norris doesn't read books, he simply stares them down until he gets the information that he needs.
16. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his Dad did.
17. Chuck Norris won Jumanji without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him and the game forfeited.
18. Chuck Norris once knocked out Mike Tyson in a bare knuckle boxing match... with both hands tied behind his back.
19. Chuck Norris shot down a German plane in world war two by pointing his finger at it and saying "bang".
20. Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't pluck up the courage to tell him.
21. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse.... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
22. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more humane.
23. Chuck Norris doesn't shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
24. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginners karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.
25. The quickest way to a mans heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.
26. Chuck Norris owns neither microwave nor oven. When he is hungry, he simply shouts "BAKE" at his food, and out of fear it instantly catches fire.
27. One day Chuck Norris looked in the mirror and said "no one outstares Chuck!". He is still there to this day.
28. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with 5 times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. This is of course to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors that he fights.
29. Chuck Norris can eat a Rubix Cube and poop it out fully solved.
30. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck said "don't worry about it honey" and went into his backyard. He came back 5 minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said "Never question Chuck Norris".
31. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
32. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
33. Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
34. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
35. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
36. Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
37. Chuck Norris has a word for a person he puts into a coma; that word is "lucky".
38. Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
39. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
40. As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.
41. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
42. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
43. Achilles was supposedly the greatest warrior of all time, but he died because of his weak spot, the Achilles tendon. There is no Chuck Norris tendon.
44. Anyone can piss on the bathroom floor, but Chuck Norris can shit on the ceiling.
45. If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.
46. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wise Man. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.